


i'll be home; in a day or two

by afterah



Series: i know they said the end is near; but I'm still on my tallest tip-toes [1]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Joel is honored here, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterah/pseuds/afterah
Summary: The world stops. There are no insects that dare to move, no crickets that dare to sing. There is no wind, no stream to follow. Only this. All the anger, sadness and disappointment accumulated in Dina surrounding the whole world.Yet, there is another one, perhaps as big as hers; the intense feeling of shame that erodes Ellie.OR the one where Ellie remembers Joel's life, but also begins to acknowledge her own path.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: i know they said the end is near; but I'm still on my tallest tip-toes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855105
Comments: 55
Kudos: 436





	1. i'd surely lose myself

**Author's Note:**

> all constructive criticism is welcomed. however, be nice as doing so, everyone is here to have a good time. 
> 
> i kinda made a playlist for this fic idk [ILL BE HOME](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/42OTaG9ekoX3ePjaShTv9I?si=p4noOHeMQq2S2wHd2VF8wg)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That makes Dina laugh, but it's painful. Ellie's throat hurts like a thousand needles are piercing her. There is a tightness in her chest, a hand that pushes her down, takes her breath away, corrodes her body.
> 
> Eventually, she draws strength to say: "If you want, I can leave." 

There is a roaring noise that echoes across the valley when Jackson's gates are opened. It’s at dusk, the sky is starting to get with a darker shade of blue-purple mist, and that’s why it's needed to narrow the eyes to be properly able to absorb the contrast between the city’s lighting and the exterior without blinding yourself. 

The memory of years ago, at that same place and position, surrounds the environment as if it was alive. 

Ellie looks to her side, where Joel once had been. Joel, with his palm gently laid on her shoulder - ‘cause he knew the fear of the uncharted had the power to paralyze her. Joel, with his warm, yet small smile facing her, while she apprehensively looked at the buildings she hoped would probably become her new home.

And chuckling a little bit, he said: _‘Let’s go, kiddo.’_

There’s someone at the gate to greet her. It’s a guy she doesn’t remember the name, but it has a certain familiarity. He looks shocked to see her, however, gestures to let her pass. 

Nobody moves, nobody can even make a sound. Looking down, she understands the reaction - she is as thin as ever, all bones and bruises. If Jesse was here, he would say that she looked like a plucked chicken. 

She’s almost unrecognizable.

_Jesse. Joel. Joel. Jesse._

Ellie hands over the weapons on the checkpoint roughly - _keep that away from me;_ empties her backpack as she was emptying herself. She hopes that when it's done, in the hands of other people, it's going to free her from part of the burden. 

However, when she ends, the heavy feeling it's not gone. 

She just keeps thinking: did she do the right thing coming back? Does she still belong here? If not, _where?_

-/--/-

The first person who hugs her is Danny. 

She's making her way through the short path between the gate and the house Jackson's government use as the 'Reception' - for foreign people or travelers -, someone shouts her name and she feels an embrace over her body.

It takes Ellie a while to recognize him. Danny was one of the children she had a special bond before everything happened, strangely because he reminded of her. Not because he looked like her, but mostly about the way he didn't like to take orders and had a fucking silver tongue.

Now, it looks like he had stretched a hundred feet upward. He's even taller than her. Danny says sorry when she flinches a little over the hug but invites her to play soccer anyway. That makes her laugh.

The second person who hugs her is Maria.

She releases her after a while, directing her to the couch in her office. All newcomers from the city must pass through there, almost as a check-up, a matter of security. Of course, the standard welcome isn't usually that _warm,_ filled with scones and juice. 

Maria forces her to take at least one bite before stopping beside her, staring at her with a frown.

It's unnecessary to verbalize any question for Ellie to answer:

"She’s alive."

Maria's long sigh is noticeable. "Good."

She acknowledges Ellie's tiredness and directs her to one of the empty rooms. It's simple - clad in wood and just one window. There isn't much to observe besides the bed. 

"I will check if we have any houses available."

"That's okay." 

The older one is right by the door when Ellie calls her.

"Maria?" She turns. "Thank you. For accepting me back."

Maria nods.

\---/-/----

It takes a long time for Ellie to settle into a larger space. She doesn't question, but there is an understanding that Maria was waiting to see if Ellie was really going to stay. She can't blame her. 

After all, Ellie left everyone behind.

It's not like she's a prisoner, though. She is allowed to walk around the city and to talk to people, however, Ellie avoids leaving the room at all costs. Too many memories. Too many confrontations. 

So she stays inside the Main House. 

And stays. And stays.

The only moment Ellie walks around is when she needs to go to the medical station. She's legitimately grateful it’s near the gate, so it doesn't have too many chances to bump up to anyone. 

Being treated by real doctors after a long time is oddly fucking weird. She spent too many months without being touched by someone that didn't want to kill her.

Consequently, Ellie sometimes snaps. She gets angry, and she loses track of time. One moment she's inside a doctor's appointment and on the other, she's in the middle of the forest and there are whistles. One moment she's being sutured and on the other, the same instrument is used to attack her.

She wants everything to stop. She needs everything to fucking _stop._

Therefore, doctors suggest a different kind of treatment. They say that not only her body needs to get stronger, but her mind. _  
_

Ellie begins her recovery process.

They close her wounds, give her medicine and take a better look at her hand. Sometimes she still feels like her fingers are there, but having someone else acknowledge the absence helps to make the reality, indeed very real.

And Ellie begins to talk. About her past. About her family and Riley. And Ellie talks about Joel - but she's cautious, the truth about her being immune cannot be public. So, she lies in some parts, but mostly, she talks about their bound. About how he was fucking stubborn and rough. She talks about how he loved coffee and always took a nap after lunch. She tells about the giraffes and the museum.

Ellie remembers Joel's life, but also, she begins to acknowledge his death.

And then talks about Cat. And Di-

No. Not her. She's no ready.

It's been almost three months and Ellie still doesn't leave the first quarter of the whole city. She even eats by there, Danny brings her food _'but only if you play one match with me'._

Ellie has numerous moments she can ask: Is she here? Are _they h_ ere?

But she's not brave enough to deal with consequences of both answers.

Yet, she stays. 

-/--/-

Often, Ellie wakes up screaming. She has vivid nightmares every day, but the ones that shake her bones are not from Joel - it's Abby. The way the other woman looked when Ellie found her hanging at that fucking wood. Abby was so... fragile. If Ellie blew, Abby would probably dismount.

Yet, facing her made Ellie deal with so many things at once - Joel, and Di- and _her_. One killed and the other _almost_. 

Ellie wakes up not only from the memories but from the feeling she felt at that moment - all the anger and brutality, the way she acted with pure cruelty by forcing Abby to fight with her. The sadness and loneliness she felt laying there by the water, the sound of the boat drifting away being muffled by her own sobs.

Even with all this conflict, Ellie sometimes wonders if she'd done the right thing by letting her go.

It's only when Tommy finally visits her that she starts to believe she had.

The way his eyes shine with expectations, just to be surrounded by a shadow as his expression closes off and his body gets rigid, at the exact second Ellie repeats the same words she said to Maria.

"She's alive."

He raises his hand - not to punch her, its more like he needed to be away from her - and almost growls.

"Why?"

"Because of him."

"Don't you _dare_." Tommy shakes his head. "Joel would go till the end."

"Yes, he would. But I am not Joel."

Tommy snorts.

Ellie closes her eyes, but doesn't move.

"Since we met, I've always wanted to be like him. Even more after we came here. I wanted to understand why he did it." She touches the place where her fingers used to be. "I went after her because I wanted to know more about Joel, his motivations. I felt like putting an end to it would help. But I'll never truly understand why he felt like he was saving me and lied about that. And I'll never be him."

She takes a deep breath. 

"If I follow his path, I'm going to end up the same way he did."

The weight of the words embraces the room like a punch to the throat. Both take time to assimilate, not daring to move. After minutes that felt like centuries, Ellie looks at the man - he's so much older, tired. His hair once was blonde and pulled back, now is grey and falls in front of his face like curtains. The unshaved beard only contributes to his terrible appearance.

Tommy clicks his mouth, shaking his head. 

"You know, Joel was wrong." He says, his index finger pointing at her. "Weak and fucking coward. You are _pathetic_."

His body crawls out like one of those infected - heavy, angry. 

\--/--/-- 

That night, Ellie can't sleep. She already has counted all the woods on the ceiling, all the spots in which you can see the sky. She gets up and writes down improvements suggestions that she'll bring to Maria tomorrow. She'll even say that she could do herself, as an act of gratitude.

Everyone in the city needs to contribute to something in there, and she needs to feel u _seful._

Giving up on a night that's going to likely be short and full of bad thoughts, Ellies decides to get out of the house. Before that, she takes a better look at the spare clothes Maria had brought her.

Even though they're her size, Ellie is still too thin to actually fit well.

Then, she spots a beige jacket. Ellie doesn't control the tears that run down her face when she brings it close to smell and realize that, of course, there's no longer Joel's familiar perfume.

She wears it anyway.

Ellie's been walking for thirty minutes when she arrives at the small park inside the city. 

Ellie and Joel had a habit of sitting there to watch people. Sometimes Joel would spend hours telling stories about what the world was like before the pandemic. His favorites restaurants and all the travels he took. World's political problems. They would wonder how other countries were, if there were any place in the word that was safe.

Joel even explained the concept of being a celebrity and how ridiculous it all was, but his daughter Sarah loved boybands and he ended up taking her to a show.

Sometimes Joel was silent, but not sad or tired just light, calm. Years struggling to survive and having to keep an eye out all the time. Inside these walls, he had the chance to fence off.

One day, Joel arrived holding something under his arm. He had a slightly worried expression on his face, but at the same time looking pretty amused.

"Listen, kiddo. I'm going to be straight-forward: I heard about what happened."

Ellie lost all the remaining color in her body.

The day before that, Ellie and some friends - along with her former girlfriend, Cat, whom Joel still didn't know about the relationship - had gotten drunk and caused a little bit of an... incident.

Don't ask about the broken balance sheet.

“Look, Joel. I'm sorry, I- ” 

"Wait, I ain't here to lecture you." He smiled. "I'm here to _teach y_ ou." 

Ellie had raised her eyebrows before narrowing her eyes. 

"What do you have in there?" 

He smirked and shrugged, sitting next to her and placing the bag on his lap. 

"You need to know that I ain't happy with what you did." He said. "Yet, I know what kind of teenager I was, so-"

The bag is opened just a little bit so that Ellie could spy on the contents. She laughs and shouts.

"You're going to get me _drunk_?"

" _Sh_!" He says, gesturing to keep it low. "I'mma saying you need to learn how to get drunk in a r _esponsible_ way."

"Joel, that’s _fucking boring_ to say." 

"Well, you always say I'm _fucking boring._ "

-/-/-

After a while, Ellie continuous to go around the streets absorbing all the changes. There are more houses and the old ones now have one or even two more floors. Some stores are better organized, and others remain the same. As she walks, she remembers the countless moments she had spent there.

Then, she arrives at the cemetery.

Joel’s grave is still there, of course. But there isn't any flowers and it looks a little older.

She bends down and runs her hand over his name. 

"I miss you." She whispers. "I wish you were here."

Ellie stays there for a while, and it helps calming her. She stops thinking about what Tommy said. She stops thinking about Seattle, and Abby and Jesse and- 

She stops thinking.

Ellie is getting up when something catches her eye - another grave right next to Joel's. She tilts her body over a little bit so she can peak better and-

Ellie Wiliams.

She loses her breath as if she have been punched by the throat. Getting closer to check if it was really real, she feels like vomiting when it _is_.

Her vision now is shaken, and she feels like her stomach is going to come out of her. Ellie tries to look around to see if this was another of her nightmares or illusions, trying to stop the differences between reality and her mind

When she feels like being punched again.

Dina is standing five steps from her.

Dina, almost two years older.

Dina, with her dark hair now shorter just by the shoulder. Dina, with a fuller and more mature body - she no longer looks like a teenager.

Dina, terrified, angry, broken and... frustrated. 

They don't say anything for a long time. 

Ellie had been preparing to that moment for so long - what would she say, how she would say it, when, why. If she was going to beg for forgiveness or if she was going to do exactly what she's doing now - staring at her in silence. And fear.

Then, Dina visible swallows and Ellie breaks their gaze. 

"I waited two days."

Her voice is shaken and sore like she had just swallowed a piece of clothing.

“I knew that if you didn’t come back in two days, you would be already gone.” The words heavily surround the environment.

Ellie stares at the hole her footprint made on the ground. She's trying to control the tears.

Dina continuos. "Then, I picked up everything I could and left. JJ cried for weeks. He'd never cried like that. Never. ” It’s true. That kid was pure joy. “But eventually he stopped. Like he was forgetting why he was even crying in the first place. ” 

Dina takes a step. That makes Ellie looks at her.

“I waited for you to come back. But you didn’t. ” Her voice is harsh, angry. “I need- _needed_ to move on from you, and that's the way I found it would make it easier.” She points at the grave.

Ellie wants to ask _Did it? Did you?_ But all she does is nod. 

"I understand." 

That makes Dina laugh. But it's painful. Ellie's throat hurts like a thousand needles are piercing her. There is a tightness in her chest. A hand that pushes her down, takes her breath away, corrodes her body.

But eventually, she draws strength to say: "If you want, I can leave." 

"Oh, _now_ you're taking notes on what _I_ want." 

Ellie shakes.

Tommy's voice echoes on her head. _You're weak. You're a coward._

“What I wanted, _Ellie,_ was for you to _s_ _tay_. With me. With _our son._ ” 

Her voice sounds more intense, and Ellie isn't sure if it's because Dina is speaking louder or if the entire environment have become completely silent. 

The world stops. There are no insects that dare to move, no crickets that dare to sing. There is no wind, no current to follow. 

Only that. All the disappointment, anger and sadness accumulated in Dina surrounding the whole world. 

But there is another one, perhaps as big as hers; the intense feeling of shame that erodes Ellie. 

_Joel was wrong. You're a coward. You're weak._

_Pathetic._

Then Dina turns back, and now Ellie can see how she’s holding her own body - looking like she’s afraid that she might break. 

“You don’t need to leave the city, but I want you to stay the fuck away from me and him. ”

Dina doesn't wait for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!
> 
> i know may sound silly, but if you found any typos or mistakes here, its totally welcomed to share with me, but be nice as doing so. english isnt my first language, so these kind of stuff may happen. yet, you can help me improve. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter. let me know if you liked and please share with everyone:)


	2. it's not talking; it's the rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie still thinks about Seattle. She stills, sometimes, gets nightmares from Abby and Santa Barbara. And dreams about the Hospital and the infected, and relives the look at the woman she loves face's when she left.
> 
> But it becomes easier to breathe. To think. 
> 
> And she starts to feel like she's getting better.

**FIVE YEARS AGO**

The crackling sound coming from the fire adds a feeling of comfort and safety. It's a cold night, a breeze pervades the space in a cunningly way and impregnates inside the clothing, making bodies shiver and stimulate the need to get closer to someone.

This is the excuse that Ellie gives herself when she finds her body drawing closer to Dina's.

They've known each other for almost three years now. Dina was one of the first people to show Jackson to Ellie. At that time, her hair was shorter and her voice was smoother, but the warm smile and _touching_ -habit would last for years to come.

That's the point. She's fucking _touchy._

Dina takes Ellie's hands when she's talking about something. And touches her shoulder when she's laughing. And drops her head on Ellie's lap when she's sleepy. Dina pulls the other girl's hair out of her face, pinches her when she's mocking and fakes that steals her nose when she wants to say that Ellie is childish.

Ellie doesn't try to think about it too much. It's Dina's affectionate way of being. She needs to keep it cool because Dina dates someone.

No. She _used to._

She and Jesse haven't spoken in days. Ellie isn't sure what happened, but it was a serious fight. Even though the trio was pretty close, she doesn't like to know a lot about the two of them as a couple. She praises as 'each one with their intimacy', not because her stomach would bubble every time she heard about them, a mixture of envy and guilt.

But gestures that used to last seconds, currently seem to last longer.

Dina always had an intense look, but now Ellie can physically _feel_ that she's being watched.

It's nothing. It _has_ to be nothing.

“Have you ever wonder how many famous songs we don’t know about?”

Ellie looks down, locking eyes with the other. Dina is lying on her back, using Ellie as a pillow.

The two are still inside Jackson, but in a secluded part where almost no one goes. Teenagers sometimes use it as a gathering place, but today there is a party at someone's house, so everyone must be there. However, neither of them was in the mood for it. Instead, they are here, accompanied only by night and a bonfire.

"What do you mean?"

Dina smiles at the affectionate tone that involuntarily leaves her friend. Ellie blushes - it wasn't supposed to come out like her voice was made of cotton candy. She scratches her throat, making Dina's smile widen.

But she doesn't comment on anything, instead, she says “All the songs we know are the ones that people remember. But just imagine how many songs, like the _classic_ ones, exist out there that we don't know 'cause they don't talk about it. ”

It's true. On the nights Ellie spends playing guitar, she wonders if the chords she joins have been done in the same ways before, if the words she writes have been expressed better or with more commotion. But there's no way to know, and Ellie doesn't try to think too much about her possible mediocrity.

"Joel sometimes talks about it." She says. "He gets grumpy when he remembers a melody but not the entire song."

"He's a grumpy man."

She chuckles. "Yep."

“Like his daughter.”

Ellie opens her mouth, startled. She gently pushes Dina with her own waist, which makes the girl laugh out loud. Dina raises her arm and runs her hand over Ellie's jaw, before following a path to Ellie's resting hand on her side. She pulls them up on her belly, playing with the fingers.

Ellie tries not to read anything into it.

_It’s nothing. It’s nothing._

Why does it feel like the world?

Then, as if she felt the storm rising beside her, Dina says in a low, calm voice - as if she's afraid of the answer, but _needs_ to know.

"Have you ever written a love song?”

“Hm. Yep. ”

"About Cat?"

"-Yep."

Dina nods, then lock their eyes. "Only about her?"

Ellie feels like her body is on fire. 

It’s nothing. _No_ , it has to be _something_. She tries to control it, but her gaze goes to where Dina's lips are now open in a way that looks like the girl is in desperate need of air.

Ellie wants to ask: _What are you doing? What’s going on?_

She wants to say: _Now I write about you. No, I have been writing about you for a long time now._

And she wants to fucking kiss her.

This urgency has always been present. It always comes along roughly when Dina profoundly listens as Ellie talks about her favorite comics and the plots of each story. And it comes as an avalanche when Dina invites herself to spend the afternoon at Ellie's house, alone, where they devote hours playing video games and watching the same films over and over again. And it comes with overwhelming intensity when she holds her hand and her smile lingers a little too longer than to be normal. 

But mostly, it comes as if is taking away her breath and her sleep, especially when Dina looks at her like that - open-mouthed, bright-eyed, holding Ellie's body and soul at the palm of her hands.

As if seconds last for years, Ellie takes courage.

"I write about other people too."

Dina raises her eyebrows and Ellie swears comets pass by in her eyes.

"Women?"

"Wom **a** n."

The girl seems to take a few seconds to process the answer, but before she says anything, Ellie's anxiety responds by bubbling up and she feels like vomiting the next few sentences.

“I have a song. It’s not _my song,_ but it’s a love song. I don’t know. It’s tender. Sweet. Do you want- ”

_"Yes."_

Dina pulls her body away and raises her torso, crossing her legs and stretching her spine. Her eyes don’t leave Ellie as the girl walks to the guitar leaning in the corner, where their backpacks are away from the bonfire. Ellie sits in front of her with her cheeks even redder than her hair.

Before she could start singing, Dina says. 

"Someday you need to show me one of those songs." And then she adds. "About the _woman_."

And when Ellie sings _‘We’re talking away, I don’t know what to say but I’ll say it anyway”,_ Ellie swears she could see Dina glancing at her lips.

-/-/-

**NOW**

It's not like she was going out a lot before that, but since the encounter at the cemetery, Ellie feels like she’s fucking _dead_. Her soul stayed there, along with all those people who’s lives had reached the end or had been taken away from them too soon.

Okay, maybe Ellie’s being a bit dramatic.

Essentially because everything that happened was a consequence of her own choices, the road she decided to take. Ellie had chosen to go out the door and now it's Ellie who will have to deal with the empty house.

Even if acknowledging it, it doesn't hurts less. On the contrary- it's as if reaches into her chest and pulls out all the organs. As if someone is holding her neck and stealing away all her breath.

Therefore, Ellie talks.

The only place she continuous to go is the medical center. Heloise was a psychiatrist before the pandemic and still works as one.

And Ellie talks.

The words come out quickly, such as animals finally released from imprisonment. Like dolphins swimming in the open sea as if their lives depend on it.

And Ellie cries. Tears flow as if they burn while she releases them. She hadn't had anyone to open up to for so _long_ \- even if this kind of subject wasn't something she's used to talking about; shame and self-doubt was something she didn't talk about at all.

Ellie knows that Heloise _knows_ Dina, after all, Jackson may be developing and increasing it's population, but anyone who's been living here for a long time is probably pretty popular. Also, Dina is the kind of active member in the community. Before Seattle and moving to the farm, Dina helped to organize all of the city's events and festivities.

But there's something about Heloise's warm eyes and her right words, at the right time and measure, that makes Ellie feel safe.

That's why when Ellie says. "I don’t think she is going to forgive me." And Heloise responds: "She doesn't _need_ to forgive you.", Ellie doesn't feel worse. It's the truth.

Then Heloise completes. “But you can work to forgive yourself. So you can _earn her_ forgiveness. ”

Wiping her face, in a failed way of controlling tears, Ellie looks at her.

"What do you mean?"

“You have to acknowledge that your actions hurt her and maybe, yes, it’ll never be the same again. But have you ever wondered what could've happened if you stayed? You weren't well, Ellie. You weren’t there for _yourself_ , how could you take care of a family? ”

The memory of all the panic attacks she had comes like a wave, and Ellie has to hold onto the chair to prevent another one to come. She does the exercise that Heloise taught so she won't dissociate. 

When Ellie opens her eyes again, the tears have stopped dripping.

Heloise leans forward a little bit.

“Look, time indeed cures things. But these wound is open in both of you, and it has never been closened off. She's at her right if she doesn't want to forgive you completly and you need to respect her decisions." She smiles tenderly. "But that doesn't mean you can't try to show her your point of view."

-/-/-

Maria finally relocates Ellie to a new house. It's not the same one she lived years ago, but it's very similar. The biggest difference is its location - close to the gates and the hospital.

Which is great - there's still no extreme need to cross through a lot of people.

The only, and yet, _a giant elephant_ is that it's almost at the same block as the Kindergarten. She doesn’t even know if JJ goes there, although she remembers Dina telling that she would like to put him at school early. Dina didn’t have the same opportunity - to grow up as normal as possible. Before coming to Jackson, she's always been on the run.

So, instead of taking a five-minute walk between the medical center and her house, Ellie takes a fifteen-minute walk around the blocks. But it's good because she rediscovers Mark's store, Joel's former friend who happens to work as a carpenter. Years ago, Mark already had a beer-belly and a friendly smile always on his face. Now, the only difference is that he lets his beard grow - but in a cool way.

Ellie starts working at the store, making and repairing furniture.

He has a lot of patience in teaching her how to handle wood, especially with the fact that a few fingers are missing from this equation. She even starts going out of the gate with him and his son to pick up some wood. 

(The first time she stepped out of Jackson after months, Ellie had a little breakdown. Lucas, Mark’s son, was polite enough to stay in front of her - even if from time to time he would glance backward to check if she was doing alright.)

Maria visits her a few times and praises for her progress. She also comments on Ellie's choice of what to do in her spare time and says that she can make the carpentry as her task in the city.

But it turns out to be more than just a job - it becomes a hobby that Ellie enjoys. Even if her hands sometimes turn red and rough, even if splinters sometimes get in, Ellie is extremely grateful to reevaluate the instruments she once used for violence by transforming it into art.

And she doesn't just work with furniture.

Ellie makes wooden carts and horses. And planes. Space-ships.

She has even started to make a _dinosaur._ (She punches Lucas when he mocks her.)

The point is, Ellie starts to spend more time than usual in the workshop. When she is not there, she's at home sleeping or in therapy. And that's all.

She still thinks about Seattle. She stills, sometimes, gets nightmares from Abby and Santa Barbara. And dreams about the Hospital and the infected, and relives the look at the woman she loves face's when Ellie left.

But it becomes easier to breathe. To think. 

And she starts to feel like she's getting better.

-/-/-

She blames Lucas. 

He started a debate with her - _who would win a fight: Wonder Woman or Superman?_ -, that not only surpassed the lunch-time, but he was so fucking _dumb_ with his arguments, which made her work be a little more sloppy that she hurt her finger.

“ _Fuck,_ Lucas. I already _don't_ have _two_ of them! ” She exclaimed, as he brought ice for her to press it on - even if he was laughing a little bit.

She blames Mark and his concerned look, which frees her two hours early from the job.

She blames herself, lost in her own mind, and the pride she feels knowing that the dinosaur is almost done and fucking _awesome_ , that she doesn't realize the path she's taking.

Until children laughter ring her ears like a song.

It's ending in the afternoon, the sky's starting to fill in by orange tone that Ellie had always found so beautiful. And instead of being inside the shop, as usual, Ellie finds herself standing next to _Kindergarten._ She tries, swears does, to stop herself but her body goes forward involuntarily.

She has no idea how old these children are, or whether even JJ would be there. But she peeks at the window.

There's no second to take a better look when a movement draws her attention.

Ellie quickly moves away from the window, just in time not to be caught. Even though she feels as if she does since the figure in front of her is the only person who could _not_ see her here.

Dina is dressed in jeans and a light green-almost white blouse. Her hair's tied up in a bun, a few loose strands close to her ear. Ellie feels the heat rising on her neck - she's ashamed. She shouldn't be there.

Turning her gaze downward, she tries to apologize.

“I wasn’t- I do _not_ stalk. I _am_ not stalking or whatever. ”

She can't see Dina's expression, but curiosity almost rips her skin off as the woman remains silent for a while.

Until Dina says.

"Maria told me."

Ellie panics. Told her what? Even though the possibility of never being able to explain herself, Ellie wanted to be the one telling her about Santa Barbara. About Abby.

But, as if reading her thoughts, Dina completes - and strangely, in a kind tone.

“That you’re getting help.”

Ellie sighs at relief. “ _Oh_. Yep. I am." 

She looks up, managing to see Dina frowning, before smiling a little. 

“That’s good. Having someone to talk with. ” 

The rest of the sentence weighs in the air like an elephant: the way we used to talk. 

Dina takes a step forward, and Ellie tries very hard not to flinch at the movement. Her whole body's on alert considering that the other woman is been so friendly, so ... Gentle. The memory of her face, - angry, sad, broken - both years and weeks ago, is still vivid in Ellie's mind. 

But now, all Dina seems to be doing is scanning Ellie's face, as if she was memorizing all the changes. 

"You used to think that talking to someone was pointless." She says. 

"I was pretty stubborn." 

"I bet you still are." 

A giggle comes from each, and as if they are taken by surprise, they both stop. Even so, Dina still has a small smile on her face, which makes Ellie allow herself to have the same reaction.

This is all too much - the way _Dina_ started the conversation, the way her body doesn't look rigid and her look is far from severe. There's a slight misty- glow on her eyes that causes Ellie to lose control.

The words come out of her throat before she knows it. “Uh, I- I don’t want to intrude but-” She bites her lip, searching at Dina’s gaze if she should stop. However the expression at the woman’s face is unreadable.

Ellie continuous. “Is he- alright? And you?”

Dina raises her eyebrows as if she doesn't believe the other one dares to ask that. But there's no irony, it's a genuine reaction.

"He's walking now."

"Oh."

“And he talks. It’s not very clear sometimes, but it’s pretty cute. ”

Ellie nods, her gaze going back to the window. At this distance, she sees much less than before. When she looks back at Dina, her smile is a little more cloudy.

"He looks just like Jesse, it's crazy." She completes. "But he reminds me a lot of you."

Ellie's breath catches in. "Oh."

"Yep." She prolongs the 'p' sound. "Look, about the other day-"

"No. It's alright."

"I know. It's just-"

"Dina."

At the sound of her name coming out of the other woman's mouth, Dina stops. Then, she breathes a laugh. "Yeah. You probably deserved that."

Ellie does the same. "I sure did."

Ellie runs a hand through her hair and scratches behind the ear - something she always does when she's nervous - and Dina's gaze follows the movement. This seems to make her more alert as if they were reminding her of something she had forgotten and kept in a chest. As if revising Ellie's characteristic and recurring gesture was the same as entering a film. 

Then her eyes widen a little, and Ellie realizes that until that moment, Dina had not noticed the absence in her hand. 

Dina even takes two steps forward - surpassing Ellie's personal space. Her hand rises and her mouth opens in a way that makes the other's heart accelerate at the speed of light. 

But Dina stops. Her expression darkens. 

Therefore, it's like a huge wall was raised between the two - and it's impossible to see the end. 

Dina scratches her throat and takes three steps back. 

"Hm, the school is about to finish." 

And Ellie understands. _You need to go._

It takes about one minute to Ellie to hear Dina’s voice calling after her.

She's still shaking a little bit, overwhelmed by the conversation and pondering if she could go see Heloise right now, so she takes some seconds to register what sudden approach.

But when she does, she finds Dina a little breathless, like she ran to catch up with her.

Her face is red, and she chokes on her words a little bit before she is able to formulate them.

“There’s going to be a festivity this Friday. At the park. I'm helping to organize it. ” She starts. "I don’t know if you heard about it."

"Uh, I mostly stay at home and go to therapy." Should she say about the workshop? “Sorry I haven’t heard. But that’s nice. ”

“Yeah, I noticed. I was looking for you the other day and-”

Dina stops.

 _Oh_.

She looks up at the sky before looking back at her. “Anyway. It would be nice if you went. You know, make friends beside your _therapist_. ”

Ellie opens her mouth in shock. "I _have_ friends."

"The receptionist?"

Ellie laughs, astonished. Dina accompanies her, but soon the weight of the situation takes over. Is it wrong for them to act like this?

Ellie tries not to reach out to much at this conversation. She can't help but wonder when is Dina going to breakdown again. There's much left unsaid, as they haven't talked about anything.

Yet, she nods and says she'll think about it.

She nods and Dina smiles - gently, calmy-, and without answering, turns around her body and walks back the way she came.

Ellie nods and feels like it's a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this chapter was going to be pretty much angst by the end buuuut 
> 
> please let me know if you liked it! :)
> 
> \- adora


	3. slowly learning that life is okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My eyes are open,  
> My heart is beating,  
> My lungs are full,  
> And my body's breathing.  
> I'm moving forward.  
> I found my freedom.  
> I found the life that gave me reason to live."
> 
> \- Moving Foward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **BEFORE YOU START READING IT**
> 
> * * *
> 
> _**TW: THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF A PANIC ATTACK.**_  
>  \- starts at the word ' _trigger_ ' and ends at ' _anytime_ '. 
> 
> \- As everyone know, we're going through a pandemic and cultural festivities are cancelled all around the world. Because of that, I tried to make a tiny honorable mention on that during this chapter, but you'll understand what I mean as you read the first scenes.
> 
>   * The festivity described here is called _São João_ or _[Festa Junina](https://www.google.com/search?q=festa+junina&oq=festa+junina&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j0l2j69i60l2.1969j0j7&client=ms-android-xiaomi-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)_. It is an important celebration in Brazil and its common for any kind of person to dress up in plaid clothes, as such flannels - or dresses, skirts, etc. Usually, men tend to paint fake beards or mustaches and wear straw hats, while women braid their hair, regardless from its size. It isn't a 'girly' thing, it is _cultural_ one. Of course cultures evolves and you can dress up the way you feel more comfortable, however, try to understand that everyone tends to do it in _some_ way because its funny and its cultural, it's a _costume_ \- the same way people from USA dress up for Halloween.
> 

> 
> Please be respectful and enjoy learning about other's people culture.
> 
> * * *
> 
> -> the fic's playlist [ellie's playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/42OTaG9ekoX3ePjaShTv9I?si=p4noOHeMQq2S2wHd2VF8wg)

Putting on a scale, Ellie's doing pretty damn well. 

She wakes up in the morning and prepares coffee - yes, these days the bitter taste of the dark drink is welcomed, resembling someone who once she used to hated and now brings good memories. 

Joel's late mug resides in the cupboard at the top of the sink, frequently used and cleaned. Ellie even eats a toast or a fruit - she still doesn't feel very hungry but tries to eat enough not to be sick - and takes a shower before leaving for the carpentry shop.

There, she builds stools and coffee tables. There, she finishes the dinosaur and starts another one. Coming back to her old notebooks - she asked Lucas and he brought them from the farm -, Ellie uses them as support to the studies. Gradually Ellie begins to plan an entire _collection._

Years ago, Joel took her to the museum as a birthday gift. But as time went by, its relevance evolved. The museum became her special place - every time she needed to cool off, to loosen up a little bit.

It was there that she wrote her best songs and made her the most detailed drawings. It was there that Ellie gave her first real kiss.

Cat and her dark hair bangs in front of her burning eyes. Cat and her delicate smile, making sure everything was okay. Cat and her worried expression when Ellie, after being completely astonished, had flipped out of fear. - _will she be infected?;_ Cat and her wide grin when, after a couple of days, Ellie kissed her again - that time more intense, more precise.

Ellie's doing pretty damn well by the virtue of devoting her time to the carpentry while _remembering_ things she once forced herself to _forget._

Sometimes Lucas put on music to play, but in general, the three of them work in silence. The sound of machines and moving bodies is like an orchestra in tune, and that is enough. Ellie even prefers it - music overall is still a delicate subject. 

Ellie starts to organize memories, almost like a mental diary.

Her childhood - Riley and all other friends from military school. The classrooms and her first room. The halls of the institute and the secret places, where she skipped class. The teachers she hated, the subjects she thought were unnecessary, the foods she used to eat.

And her youth - all the places she went by with Joel. Joel and his gentle but assiduous look. Joel and his deep voice, like the lowest tones on a guitar. Joel before their breakdown.

Cat and all of their first times. The first time Ellie had drawn a face just by memory. The first time she had written a song for someone. She first moment she felt an eager look over her body which climaxed on her taking her clothes off and touching someone intimately.

Jesse and all his teasing while wearing a warm smile and embrace. Jesse and his ardent debates about video games and superheroes. Jesse and the hours spent hunting or harvesting fruits, the way his bangs used fell over his face when he crouched, showing how to make traps. Jesse standing like a giant, his body rising in the sky as a giant at the same time that his words and actions were gentle and amusing.

And _Dina._

Dina, who was the first person to approach her in Jackson. Dina and all the times they skipped class together, both outside and inside the school - hidden, together and cramped in an empty bathroom. 

Dina, and the intense look of listening to Ellie talk about everything and nothing. Dina and her hair down or her hair up. Dina and her loud laugh, warm as a caress on the back of the neck. Dina and her body swaying to the rhythm of the songs as if she were destined to it - as it took no effort to keep in tune. Dina and her cheeks flushed when Ellie accidentally gave one compliment or another. Dina and her curious look when she told about Jesse and Ellie couldn't meet her eyes. 

Dina and the _‘maybe they’re jealous of you.’_

_Dina. Dina. Dina._

Putting on a scale, Ellie's doing pretty damn well. 

-/-/-

However, life is bittersweet. 

There are days when, without warning, the balance weighs on the bad side. Moments that catch her like unprepared prey. Moments that a handshake, a sudden movement, a bump teleport to Seattle at full force. 

Those are the days where memories shine through her mind like flashes. _Nora Leah. Owen. Mel. Abby. Abby. Abby._ And not only them but all the people that Ellie didn't even _learn_ the names. 

It is still difficult to draw Joel's eyes. 

Bathing is something that becomes a routine, almost obsessive one. Ellie doesn't comment on that with anyone, but the few times she spent an entire day without getting in the shower were horrible - it felt like she could see the dirt at her own hands - not cut wood or sweat, but _blood._ It was as if she didn't clean herself enough, all of that would re-impregnate her body like old clothes that no longer fit.

So Ellie separates everything on her bathtub - soap, shampoo, conditioner. She even puts the brush and toothpaste to bridge over everything in one. 

And she rubs the towel _hard_ to make sure everything is gone.

-/-/-

Ellie takes three showers before going to the festivity.

She washes her hair twice and even combs it. Her clothes spread out on the bed 'cause she can't make up her mind - all are new and still too big for her body.

Even if she didn't mean to, it's not like she could avoid the need to look slightly attractive. 

Is it selfish to want Dina to notice her? 

Ellie ponders and ponders. And gnaws her nails. And it corrodes her head over and over. Until there is a knock on the door and she puts a t-shirt and shorts over and reaches to open it. 

"Hey, you." Lucas says as soon as his face appears.

The man is almost Ellie's height, but completely different. His skin is dark and his hair is shaved over the sides, but the remaining part large enough to form curls. There is a simple goatee growing on his chin.

"Are you wearing _that?"_

“Yep. Why? ” Ellie chuckles at the man's incredulous look. “I'm joking. I don’t know what to wear. ”

"Trying to impress someone?"

"Shut up."

Ellie runs her hand through her hair before biting one of her nails again. Lucas takes a few steps forward and closes the door. He stops in front of her and calmy - as if he's showing what's going to do -, puts a hand on Ellie's shoulder. Lucas knows that sudden movements are not welcome, even if they are meant to be gentle.

He smiles at her. “Dude, it's going to be alright. Don’t overthink too much." 

"How could I-" 

“Look, she invited you to go. If she didn’t _maybe_ she wouldn’t want you to, but she _did._ With all words and letters.” 

He raises his eyebrows as if saying _there's no denying it._ Ellie rolls her eyes, still, sighs apprehensively. 

“I don’t want to overstep. We just talked two fucking times.” 

“Yep. That’s why she invited you to the public space with a lot of random people, and not to grab coffee with you.” He turns away from her and starts taking a look at the clothes all over the bed. “You don't have to be together all night and, by the way, that's not even a good thing. Have you ever wonder that she wants you to go for _yourself,_ not for her?”

Oh. 

Lucas turns to her holding a sea-green shirt. Simple, button-up. He hands it to her along with gray jeans and turns his back to the kitchen, - _‘do you have something to drink?’ ‘just water’._

Ellie gets dressed right there, watching in silence while her friend respectfully doesn't turn, not for even a second, while waiting. 

Then Ellie says. "That makes sense." 

“What? 

"About her inviting me." 

He smirks. “That’s the thing, my dear friend. I'm fucking smart. ” 

Lucas gives the glass a quick wash and puts it to dry, turning his body and walking over to her. 

“But seriously. Try to enjoy yourself, okay? There's a lot of cool stuff and people there. The city is becoming huge and interesting. You need to have fun, Ellie. ”

She nods.

“And if you feel like coming back home, just tell me and we leave. OK?"

"OK."

When they leave the house, both are welcomed by a light wind that permeates the city park as if it's dancing, calmly, among people and stalls scattered. There are flasher lights above the stalls that form a yellow path overhead and bring pleasant air to the environment.

It's some kind of festivity that Ellie's never seen before and Lucas tells it's called São João. Most of the people are wearing flannels - shirts or skirts. Men have plaid pieces of fabric sewn into their pants and some children have painted their faces with dark spots over their cheeks - or mustaches - and wear straw hats. There is a different song, not bad but _new_ , coming from the center of the park - it's not country, but it is similar. The stalls are divided by food - popcorn, corn, meat on a spit - and types of games. Ellie stares with abnormous curiosity at two children who are trying to knock over a stack of plastic cups.

"Every four months we have a different kind of festivity," Lucas explains with an amused look landed on Ellie. "Did you know that a lot of foreign people got stuck here after the outbreak, without being able to return home?"

Yes, she knows. Joel had mentioned a few times, and they even ran into some Frenchmen once on the way over Jackson - tourists trapped in a country that they weren't born to, without being able to return.

Lucas continues: “Unbelievably, there are a relatively large number of foreigners in Jackson. Because of that, someone came up with the idea of making diverse themes for the festivities, as a way of honoring and remembering their own culture.”

"That’s cool."

"Yeah, right?"

Lucas tells more about the festivities, but Ellie must admit that it's a little difficult to focus. As much as she's having fun, it's all very new and vibrant. Overwhelming. There's too much noise, and she holds the edge of her shirt tightly every time someone yells something.

It's extremely terrifying how anything can be a trigger.

Moments later she is in one of the stalls with Lucas playing something called Pescaria. With a rod, they have to try to catch paper-fish from a considerable distance. 

Maybe it's a noisy environment - now they are too close to the band. Maybe is the fact that there are a lot of people next to her, too close, too present.

Or maybe the boat replica in front of the stall.

Ellie keeps hammering in her head, _it's just a decoration, it's just a decoration, it's just a decoration,_ but it's not enough. She blinks quickly when her vision starts to lose focus and she reaches to hold Lucas's arm tightly, however, that turns out to be bad - because Lucas isn't him anymore, it's _Abby_. Because they are no longer in Jackson, with the lights shining over their heads and the smooth breeze. They're in Santa Barba and Ellie can’t fucking breathe.

Limping back, Ellie loses her balance and bumps into some people. All voices are blurred and she feels as if something is pressing down her chest roughly. 

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Her head glows with flashes. She tries to focus her gaze, tries to recognize where she is. But nothing works, so Ellie just walks away fast, staggering, to an emptier place and cower.

She starts to repeat her name. Where she is. 

_I am safe. I am safe._

Ellie is forever grateful when Lucas, without saying anything, crouches beside her and extend a hand. He waits for her to focus enough until she grabs it. He presses it for a while, until releasing the grip a little and repeating the action all over again - simulating a breath.

Gradually, the air entering her lungs stop burning. Gradually, she no longer smells saltwater. Gradually, Ellie's vision is no longer blurred and dispersed. Still, they don't move for a long time.

Then, shakily, she raises.

Hand by hand. One foot in front of the other.

Step by step.

Ellie looks over Lucas and says: "Thank you."

"Anytime."

\- / - / -

Even after questioned millions of times, Ellie refuses to leave.

Part of her screams for quiet and being somewhere else. However, if she goes, she'll be welcomed by an empty house. If she leaves, there's nothing to stop her from being consumed by memories she doesn't need right now.

Therefore, they walk in silence to a part of the park that's quieter and far from the center, where the band is playing and people are all gather close to each other. In contrast, here are a few benches and small fields where teenagers play ball and children run free.

A little bit overwhelming anyway. It’s the same place she used to sit down with Joel. 

She runs her hand over the arm of one of the benches, which there is an old scratch. The memory of years ago is still vivid - when Joel and Ellie got drunk together for the first and only time, he tripped over his own feet and dropped the bottle he was doing on the floor.

Ellie still feels her heart tight. All the violence and death she caused still hammers her body. However, Ellie remembers the appointment she had weeks ago, the lesson she learned.

Life is here and now. Not in the past.

Next to her, life bubbles like a hot soup on a cold day. The music isn't popping her ear anymore, it sounds more like a record playing in the background. Beside her, people talk, hug, and smile.

Now, Ellie decides to _open her eyes._

"Lucas?" she says, still staring at the scratch. “Can you- I will stay here a lit bit, okay? You should go to meet other people. ”

He raises his eyebrows. “You sure? I told you I would stick with you.”

“I know. I just need to- you know. ”

Lucas slowly nods. 

"I'll check.... on some people, then come back. Stay here. ”

Ellie shakes her head and smiles gratefully. He takes a few steps before she calls out to him again, fiddling with her hands anxiously.

"Lucas?" He turns. "I don’t say that much, but thank you." She says. “For everything. You are a good friend.”

He smiles kindly. “You are too, Ellie. You are too.”

\- / - / -

The last time Ellie sat on that same bench with Joel, they talked about parenthood. Joel was more loosed up, his hair started to grow and form a light wave near his ear in a way that showed how relaxed he felt in Jackson.

Even facing the sky, his eyes remained closed as he talked about Sarah. It was as if he was picturing, like a movie, everything that he was telling. He often smiled slightly, his voice bargaining a little bit in one story or another, but mostly, he seemed free. 

At peace.

A complete contrast to Ellie. 

"Your mind is very loud." He had murmured, still with his eyes closed. “Tell me what you're thinking." 

Ellie was already starting to feel troubled. Questions about fireflies were bubbling up in her mind more and more. What really happened there and why did he avoid talking so much? 

It was as if a huge elephant sat between the two of them whenever she asked about it. 

So, that night, Ellie didn't take her eyes off the man - she needed to register how he had fewer wrinkles when he stayed relaxed like that, his hand rested on his belly, now a little bigger due to age. How his beard had begun to lighten, white strands shone like new acquaintances. 

It was like Ellie _knew. Like_ she had already decided it would be the last time they could be like this. At peace. 

She took a deep breath and said. "I think I want to be a mother." 

This caught Joel's attention. His eyes rested curiously on the image of the girl. 

"You do?" 

"Yep." She admitted. “The way you talk about Sarah, it's pretty cute. It makes you look like a soft man.” 

“What? I ain't a soft man.” 

She craked-up a smile. "Sometimes you are." And leaned forward, resting her elbows on her legs. " _Anyway,_ it makes me wonder what would be like to be a parent too." 

Joel nodded. 

"I think you would be a great mother." 

“Yeah?" 

"Yeah, kiddo." He said. “And I will be a great grandfather.” 

The oxygen shattered the same way as being punched in the stomach as that the word 'grandfather' lingers over them.

But then Ellie decided to smile hopefully. During that moment, she could imagine a future like that. At that moment, the elephant rested away from them, asleep. 

For now, _peace._

"Only if you’re alive until there, old man." 

"Ellie, I ain't that old." 

\- / - / - 

There's no way to measure how long it takes before something takes her out of the memories, and she's also not sure what does this. 

It could be the sudden change of music - something now more agitated, inviting everyone to participate and it may be the movement of people following the call. 

Presumably, it's a well-known laugh have penetrated her ear.

Ellie loses her breath when she sees JJ for the first time since arriving in Jackson. Almost two years went by and he had grown up so fucking impressively. Also, his dark hair is tied up so it wouldn't fall over his eyes, and that causes Ellie to choke - Jesse used to do the same. 

She holds the stool's arm tightly so she doesn't get up. It's not needed to search too much to find her, however, Dina doesn't notice the presence of the other woman, they are too far away. Besides, she's accompanied by some people that Ellie doesn't recognize, her face litten up with laughter as she watches JJ play with other children. 

Ellie would have liked to bring her notebook so she could capture that moment. 

But, she can't. This would be overstepping everything. 

Maybe being here is too fucking much for her to handle. 

Dina's voice comes hard on her head. _'I want you to stay the fuck away from us.’_ The memory comes with strength. _‘_ _We have a family.’_

 _'I'm not doing this again._ ’ 

Ellie gets up so fast that she runs into someone. Her vision takes too long to focus on Lucas. He brings with him a stuffed lion and if Ellie took a better look she would see that no matter how good it probably was compared to the years it probably has, there's a certain mending. 

“Dude, look what I just- hey, is everything alright?” 

Ellie shakes her head. Lucas follows her gaze. 

"Oh." 

“Yup. Let’s go- ” 

"Not possible." 

"Why?" 

"She’s coming over." 

Fuck. “No, we need to-” 

"Hey."

Ellie freezes. Dina's voice sounds so pacific, warm. It's hard for Ellie's mind to associate the present moment with the memories pounding all over her head. She keeps her eyes wide open - unlike what Joel did years ago - wishing that this would make it easier to focus until she realizes how scary it must be. 

Taking a deep breath and casting a worried look at Lucas - who smiles calmly between her and Dina as if he hadn't just witnessed a mini outbreak, like a renowned actor -, Ellie turns her body to find Dina a few steps away from her. 

Dina analyses the woman from head to toe. 

“You always wear plaid clothes. Then, on the day it's really to dress up in it... you choose something different?" 

Ellie's laugh comes out in a choke, and she scratches her throat to cover it up. She controls herself so she won't look over Lucas, but craves that he magically becomes a superhero and became able to hear her thoughts. 

Is Dina- No. _'I will not do that again.'_

Lucas doesn't have superpowers, but he has great timing and extends his hand. "I don't think we were ever introduced, but I'm Lucas." 

Dina finally takes her eyes off Ellie - who now feels like can breathe- and shakes his hand.

"Hi, I’m Dina."

"I've heard." Ellie wants to die. “ _Soooo,_ this” He twists his finger pointing at everything “It’s fucking cool.” Dina raises her eyebrows. "The _festivity._ "

" _Oh,_ yeah. I'm glad you're enjoying it, a lot of work went into organizing it. We had all kinds of problems but the worst part was the band. It's a lit bit hard to learn a type of music that only Silva's remember. And, none of them can _play_ an instrument.”

Dina looks back at the woman. Dina's black hair is tied in a short braid that falls over one shoulder, the yellow button-up flannel seems to combine with the environment warmly. She tightens her eyes, leaning forward a little as she murmurs:

"So you _do_ have friends."

This causes Ellie to unintentionally to roll her eyes. Inside her, it is as if oceans and oceans of agitated waves went through her organs. She can't quite understand which emotion is prevalent, and this makes her hand not let go of her shirt. She squeezes it tightly, but on her back to hide both the action and her hand.

She controls herself not to look over the other woman's shoulder for JJ.

Ellie manages to say. “I work at his father’s workshop.”

“Oh. You working? With _what?_ ”

“Uh- wood.”

“So you’re a carpenter now?”

“Yep. Kinda.”

“Ellie, that's a fucking cliche.”

Ellie gulps. Exchanging a quick look with Lucas, who seems to be watching everything with complete interest and an amused expression on his face, Ellie looks down as she lets out a puffy laugh.

From a short distance, JJ calls for Dina. 

The three of them turn their gaze to the child, crouched on the ground while riding a mountain of sand. He points to Dina to go over to see.

Dina replies that she'll be there in a second, turns her face to Ellie. She seems to have a dialogue within herself, and her voice comes out a little heavy when she speaks again - as if she were not sure, as if the words scratch her throat.

"Do you wanna meet him?"

The waves inside Ellie you become tsunamis. Without struggle, it's as if she can feel JJ on her lap; as if she can hear his laugh every time he'd hold Ellie's nose - a habit that he took from Dina.

 _Yes. No. I should not_. Ellie squeezes her hand tighter on her shirt to prevent shaking.

"Yes." She says, her voice cracked. However, she completes: "But I don’t think I might." 

Dina raises her eyebrows. "Oh." 

Ellie steps forward, and they both end up kind of talking at the same time. _“It's not that I don't want to, it's just-”, “I get it.”, “I don't think I'm ready and-” “Yeah, I don't think I'm too.”, “I don't want to rush things and mess everything up and- "," Ellie, it's okay."_

Then Ellie stops. And says: “I like when you let me finish my sentences.” 

Dina _malfunctions._ Her eyebrows fly up in shock, and for a second and Ellie's heart races fast, clumsy, runs all over the organs in her body because she is _sure_ she has crossed all possible and imaginary limits. 

Then, slowly, an affectionate smile spreads across Dina's face. 

"OK. I deserved that." She jokes, shaking her head. 

Dina snaps her tongue at the roof of her mouth and turns to the man standing beside them. "Well, it was nice meeting you." 

"You too." 

She shakes Lucas's hand again and turns to Ellie. 

"See you around?" 

"Y-yeah." 

When the woman is far away, a sigh comes out of Ellie - like she was holding her breath during the entire conversation. 

Next to her, Lucas chuckles. 

"You fucking enjoyed that, didn’t you?" 

"Dude, it was incredible to watch you lose your shit." Then he adds. "In a nice way." 

"Glad I was able to entertain you."

-/-/-

It all started that day.

No. 

It all starts three days later. Ellie wakes up late after staying up until late playing video games with Lucas and ended up sleeping there - the therapy session on Monday was _intense._ Ellie left completely exhausted, along with lighter, and _definitely_ didn't want to be alone.

It's an important step in her recovery. 

It's the first time that she sleeps over someone's house again. Not only that, but she spends the whole night _relaxing_ and _talking_ about what happened.

Of course, it's still kinda weird. Ellie got used to opening up only to Heloise, so having someone _new_ to talk to, _a friend_ , is terrifying as well as liberating. Knowing that she would not be analyzed, just having a friendly shoulder, is something that Ellie has never completely allowed herself to have.

(She had Joel, Cat, and Jesse and Dina for a long time, but the last person who had felt so _light_ talking about things like that was Riley - before she even _met_ Joel.)

So, it all starts three days later when Ellie is late for work, since she has to stop by her house to bathe, and ends up taking the quickest route to the carpentry shop, bumping into _Dina._

And Dina, completely unaware of the avalanche inside the other, smiles as if birds are singing and waving, hands-free after having already leaving JJ at school.

"Going to work?" She smiles when Ellie agrees. "Well, have a nice day, _Plank."_

And everything continues when encounters like this are perpetuated almost as a routine.

Ellie starts not going around the block, knowing that she can bump into Dina in the morning. However, she pays attention to the time to not run into JJ - she doesn't know if she is ready, much less if Dina is really comfortable with it. (Even so, Ellie gnaws her nails in anxiety when she passes near to the school and his grade is playing outside).

One day Ellie is stunned by the image of Dina standing with two cups of coffee. She offers one to Ellie and raises her eyebrows as if she said _don’t ask._

Ellie doesn't ask.

But she _wonders._

Sometimes they run into each other in the city, because now Ellie takes some walks as decided that adding a moment to distract herself from the routine is something crucial. (The first attempts she asks Lucas to go with her. Some Daniel is who goes along - now Ellie plays a match from here and there among the teenagers. She even starts to joke that she will be the goalkeeper of the match.

But other days, it's Dina who sticks together.

One of those times, the two of them sit down and Dina tells about her day - she works in the greenhouse now, during school time. She talks about plants as if reciting poetry. (Okay, _maybe_ Ellie is overreacting a little, but it's impossible not to feel enchanted by the other woman.)

The way she gestures to speak, but only with one hand because the other is usually supporting her body-weight since Dina has a habit of tilting her body backward. The way her eyes shine when she tells about the next social event, and even offer a stall for the carpentry to exhibit some of the furniture and Ellie's piece of art.

The way those same bright eyes start to shine for her. But, every time, as she realized that is happening, they would close like curtains and throats flanked when Dina says goodbye.

Ellie doesn’t ask. But she can’t help but wonder.

She can’t help but _feel._

And, oh how does she feel.

\- / - / -

Ellie asks.

Her lip is bitten so hard as the words come out of her throat because she doesn't _believe_ , doesn't _accept_ that she may have been so _weak._

But- things are going _too well._ The scale definitely weighs to the side that makes Ellie feel like she's fucking _touching_ the _clouds._

She goes to therapy. She works. She makes friends and has fun. Breakdowns and nightmares are still present - Ellie kind of accepts that this will always be with her - but they are less constant and easier to control.

So, it's not her fault that she breaks.

How can she not?

For example, at this very moment, they are in the park, at night, the only people present beside both of them are those who are helping to put together a kind of Halloween.

Ellie had spent all day with her, all day in a friendly, warming and intense way, as every time would be. The turmoil inside each other, the immense weight of all the words not said between them - everything heavy as not like only _on_ e, but an _entire_ family of elephants.

Ellie pushes boxes and Dina talks about the discussion she had with someone in the festivity organization.

Ellie raises the structures she created simulating human bodies and dresses them with found clothes and masks, forming vampires and werewolves while Dina tells of the new seed they found and are planting to see what it is.

Ellie hangs fake bats over the posts and Dina tells how JJ had not been the least bit scared when he saw her cutting them out of paper.

Ellie helps and Dina talks and Ellie helps and Dina asks about her and her routine, about carpentry and even what toys she's making. 

Dina keeps reaching forward and Ellie fucking _breaks._

She breaks because she has been in Jackson for almost _a year_ and everything is working out too well that it can't be _real._

She breaks down because Dina continues to act like she's _okay_ and like _everything_ is okay, but they didn't even _talk_ about it yet.

They just keep on acting like everything that happened in the last few years just didn't exist, but Dina won’t _touch_ her. Dina, who had always been someone who did _not_ avoid contact, is now no more than two steps away at every encounter. 

They continue to act as if nothing has happened even though Ellie realizes how Dina's gaze sometimes catches where it used to have two fingers when Ellie reaches out to grab something, but Dina doesn't reach her eyes even though she has always had such an intense look.

As if sometimes Ellie doesn't show up in the morning because she slept badly - the nightmares come to haunt her. As if Ellie sometimes doesn’t hold her own clothes tightly because she can be okay now but in a single minute might not be - this is how trauma works, and that kind of trauma will never be able to go away completely.

As if seeing this kind of action, Dina doesn't change the subject or get closer a little bit, in silence, and physically shows her calm breathing so that Ellie would follow; without saying anything, without addressing the reason why that’s necessary.

They act as if Ellie hasn't _held_ Dina tightly while she gave _birth_ to a _child._ A child Ellie once had called her _son_.

Ellie's ready now. She’s been ready for a while. She has been working on it in therapy and on her head. How _own_ forgiveness, so she can move forward too.

And she wants to be okay, she wants to know if she _can_ approach him again.

So Ellie breaks.

"I finished a collection of dinosaurs." She starts, cutting Dina's speech. But to be honest, she didn't pay attention in the last five minutes. Her mind was torn on taking courage and screwing and hanging the ghosts from the trees.

_You're weak._

No. _You need to forgive yourself._

"You’re such a nerd." Dina replies. This causes Ellie to almost stop the reasoning. But when she doesn't laugh at the teasing, Dina looks at her with a raised eyebrow. This causes the taller to drop what she was doing and turns her body towards her.

"I want JJ to have it."

It's almost as if they could both physically see a family of elephants approaching and sitting right in front of them.

“Oh. Do you want me to-? ”

"I want to give it to him."

Ellie can see heavy curtains closing in front of Dina's face, who breaks their eyes and fixes hers on the floor.

"Hm."

"If you allow. Of course."

" _Allow_ isn't the right word for that."

"What is, then?"

"I don't know."

"Well, neither do I."

Dina takes a deep breath, shifting her body weight. She looks up.

"Why now?"

"What?"

"Why are you asking for it now?" Dina looks uncomfortable. She points to the boxes on the floor. "We are busy."

"Busy to talk?" Ellie questions. "We've been talking the entire day."

She breathes heavily. "I know. But that's a whole different conversation."

"It is a necessary conversation."

"Right _now_?"

Ellie trembles. " _When_ , Dina? When are we going to talk about it?" She takes a step forward. "This" points between the two. "Is making me confused."

"What's confusing to you? We are putting ghosts on trees." 

"C'mon, stop doing that." 

"No, _you_ stop _."_

Dina also takes a step forward. Her voice comes out loud, imposing, heavy. Her eyes reflect in the same way as the other's - bright with tears. She runs her hand over her face as if drying tears that have not even flowed. 

"Ellie, _please._ There's nothing to talk about. We are ok." 

That makes an exasperation go up Ellie's throat like a monster. Her body is shaking, the ghosts are now lying on the ground and being dragged by the wind. 

"We are just pretending." 

Her voice comes out crushed, her throat closed to control the need of bursting into tears.

"Look, I'm just broughting it up 'cause it's _killing me._ "She continues, searching for Dina's eyes. "I just wanna know where this is going. Or if it's going anywhere." 

"Oh, so you just wanna be around me if we're going to be something? If we're going to fuck?" 

_"What?"_

This makes Ellie tear with rage while knocking her down with confusion. She never saw Dina act like that - her voice high but shaky, unsure. The way her body doesn't stop, a step here, there. 

But what impacts Ellie the most is that Dina is not stopping for even a second to fucking _think_ before saying anything _._

"I'm not expecting for us to go back together, for _God's sake._ " Ellie responds loudly, but sure. "I'm not asking you for that and never were. But you cannot possibly feel like this is okay." 

Dina opens her mouth, then closes. Now tears are streaming in her eyes.

Ellie realizes that she is holding the brim of her own shirt so tight that her fingers are paler than normal. This causes her to let go and the recently released hand passes through her hair.

"It isn't that I am not grateful for your reaction. That I am not happy because we talk and laugh and everything." Ellie continuous. "But it's like I'm walking in a minefield. I'm waiting to see when you're going to explode. I'm waiting every fucking second for you to _say something_ and you- you act as nothing has happened. But we can't ignore that it happened, Dina. It _happened_. Seattle happened. _Abby_ happened. And I left- "

"I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you."

The words explode hard between the two like an expected attack. So heavy that it is difficult to assimilate at once and for all, the processing is slow. But when it is done, it pulls out the air, the lungs, the whole soul from inside Ellie's body - the one that now feels like it's spreading its remaining pieces on the floor.

Ellie sits on the bench beside her.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

Dina runs her hand over her jaw and takes a deep, slow, heavy breath. She is crying, but Ellie can't say whether the fact of being contained makes the situation worse or not.

Then she walks over to Ellie - who sees the movement out of the corner of her eye due to her face being turned down -, and sits down next to her. Even without touching, her presence is so strong that it's as if they are.

"Don't know, Ellie. I cannot lie how _relieved_ I felt when I heard that you came back, that you were _alive._ You can't imagine how many days I spent imagining and wondering if it would ever happen." She pauses. "But it never did and I- I gave up, you know? I _needed_ , I fucking needed to _move on_. I have a _son,_ for God's sake. I have a son and I thought that he not only had _lost his dad_ but his _other mom too._ "

Ellie closes her eyes.

"Do you imagine how I felt? Everything I went through?"

"I'm so sorry."

Dina takes a while to answer. "The problem is, I know you are. And that's why everything is so damn difficult." Her voice comes out low as if the whole world is losing air. "All I want- all I want is to touch you. All the time. To make sure you are _real_ , that everything is no longer a dream. But every time I think about doing it, I freeze. I think it’s because I don’t want it to be real. Because if it’s, I’ll need to process everything I took months to overcome. I dealt as if you died, Ellie. I _grieved_ you.

Dina catches the other's eyes. "I wake up every day and wonder how you are. And every day I keep counting the hours to see if you're going to show up, to see if you didn't leave again." She says. "Then I see you _arriving._ And I can't help it, you know? I want to hear about your day and talk about mine, and I want to _touch_ you and... I want to kiss you again."

Dina's eyes speak volumes and Ellie feels like she's falling.

"But at the same time, I never want to look at you again." Dina admits. "What if I give you another chance and you leave anyway? What am I going to do? Pick up the pieces again? I'm not strong enough, Ellie. When you abandoned our family, you _destroyed_ me." She stops to breathe. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to leave, to put me through everything I was already dealing with, and later _more,_ for you to come back whenever you want. This isn't fucking _fair._ "

This is the thing about forgiveness. It's not easy, and sometimes it's not earned. Ellie knows what she has done, and with everything that happened... It's like there's no turning back. It's not just because of things that happened to other people, all the lives that had taken, but every step Ellie took, she was reaping a part of herself. Of her life.

Ellie knows. She knows that Ellie from before has died.

And she knows that now she is going to deal with the consequences of her past choices.

So, when Dina gets up, after a time that cannot be measured, and the silence lingers because there is nothing humanly possible to be said beyond what they already did, Ellie lets her go.

And Dina leaves.

While Ellie stays.

-/-/-

During the days that pass by, Ellie has to fight with all the strength in the world not to isolate herself. 

She keeps waking up at the same time, but now the minutes she reserved to spend talking with her, she spends to take the long path around the blocks. 

Now she stays for a little be longer, not only in carpentry but in the medical center. She chats with Heloise and the other doctors and the receptionist. Ellie not only plays a soccer match every Wednesday but starts playing on Monday and Saturday as well. 

She tells only once about what happened with Dina to Lucas, once is enough for her to pull out of her chest in a less humiliating way than in therapy - where she opens her heart and everything falls out like an old closet piled with trash. 

So, as is possible to see, Ellie's life doesn't end and she doesn't feel like it does. 

But part of it lost its color. A huge part. 

-/-/-

Ellie runs into Tommy for the first time since arriving in Jackson, almost a year ago. 

She takes a long time to recognize him, his beard is unshaved and his hair falls like messy cascades over his shoulders. His whole image is rough, the way he is thrown at the door of the brewery with a bottle between his fingers, drinking from the bottleneck. The way his gaze follows Ellie in a sharp silence as if he's piercing her. 

Ellie stares back. It's heartbreaking. 

Her feet start to move towards him when he tilts the bottle up, as a greeting - it's not warm, it's like warning her to stay away. 

Ellie just nods back.

-/-/-

That night she is going through some old notebooks when she finds a drawing of Joel. Unlike the ones she did in the last few years, she could see his eyes perfectly, which makes Ellie feel teleported to the day she drew him.

They had arrived in Jackson a little less than a year before and they both finally started calling the city home. Ellie had started to participate in training for the patrol and Joel had started to be one of its chiefs.

Now he smiled more, opened up more. They would spend hours together cooking - Joel was incredibly good at it - or playing guitar. He explained about chords and musical notes and would tell about favorite bands and the shows he went to.

But that day, Ellie was thoughtful. Because that day was the first day she had wanted to kiss someone after so long.

And differently from what she had felt with Riley years before - that new urge had been more glaring, rasping. And she didn't know what to do, because _Dina_ was her _friend._

Ellie was scared because Dina was her friend and Ellie could not stop thinking about kissing her.

"Have you ever loved someone?"

Joel was in the middle of mixing the soup when Ellie took him by surprise. Both were at the man's house for dinner, gentle music from the living room.

"Hm-" He nasalized, knocking with another mix. "Yes."

"Sarah's mom?"

"Yes."

"Did you continue to love her even when she abandoned you?"

Joel rested his spoon in the pot, resting his weight on the counter when he turned to the girl. His forehead frowned.

"It's not that easy to stop loving someone, even if you _really_ want to."

"Even if you're angry?"

"Even more when you're angry." He agreed, smiling. Running a hand over his beard, he said: "But I stopped being angry at her. It took me a while to understand why she left. '

"Why do you think she did it?"

He shrugged, then crossed his arms. "She wasn't well. I'll never know and understand completely her actions, but I know that she couldn't stay there. She wasn't there for Sarah or me, imagine even for herself. She was miserable and even I trying everything, she wasn't happy at all. "

Ellie watched him mix the contents in the pot again before turning off the stove. Joel took some dishes from the cupboard and used the same spoon to serve them with vegetable soup.

"Why are you asking that?"

"Did you forgive her?"

Joel smiled by Ellie's quick sentence, avoiding his question. 

"Well, time cures everything."

The girl nodded and kept eating soup, ignoring Joel's curious gaze on her. When he was about to let it go, Ellie smirked at him.

"Okay, but let's talk about _Tess._ "

"Ellie."

\- / - / -

Ellie takes three deep and long breaths.

The night is cold enough for her throat to hurt little, but she knows that her body is shaking over something else.

Being extremely sincere, she didn't really think about it. Well, technically she had thought about the things she _would_ say, but not what the _how_ the process would go.

Then, she sees herself standing at Dina's door at half-past eight, wearing only a sleeve on top of the one the shirt was already wearing.

Her hand raises once and stops at the door, without really knocking. She inhales again, takes a step forward and a step back and gnaws the rest of the nail on her fingers until she dares to knock on the door.

It opens so fast that startles Ellie. She doesn't control the frightened expression on her face - it was like Dina was waiting behind the door.

Dina's cheeks flush when she realizes she was caught in the act.

They don't say talk for a while, Ellie taking courage.

Until they say at the same time.

"Hi."

"Hey."

Ellie runs a hand through her hair. "Can we talk?"

"Yes."

She swallows, inhales twice, three times. Dina watches everything quietly, with her hand on the open door. Her hair is tied up and the clothes she wears indicate that she was relaxed enough to go to sleep.

Then Ellie says slowly, but sure.

"I will never be sorry enough to make up for what I've done to you. And I'm not only talking about Santa Barbara, but I also shouldn't have made you go through all of that." She doesn't give time for Dina to respond, even though her mouth opens almost instantly. "And I know you went with me to Seattle because you wanted to, but you didn't have to. You did it because you loved me and you thought it was the right thing to do that."

Ellie pauses, trying to organize her thoughts.

"It took me a long time to understand that Joel saving me from the Hospital allowed me to have what I always wanted, which is a _family_. To have a _life_. I don't need to have a _purpose_ to live, life itself is already enough purpose." She says. "I spent so much time harboring anger at him that I didn't stop to think about why he did it, and I realize that it was because I was his family. But when he was killed, I thought that going after her was what I _had_ to do; not only to _honor_ him but... Joel would exceed all possible limits for those he loved. "

They don't break their eyes for a second.

"I thought that by acting like him I would be able to keep him alive." Ellie continues. "But I am not Joel, Dina. I am not him and as much as I love him very much, as much as he is my father and always will be, I am not him nor do I want to be. And I am very ashamed and very sorry that one day I thought I had to. "

A shiver runs through Ellie's body when she takes the courage to say the next words. "But if I were to go back in time, I don't know if I would do much different." She manages to say and shakes when she sees Dina visibly swallowing. "That day on the farm, the day before Tommy showed up - it wasn't the only episode. Every day I thought I would end up hurting you two without even knowing, without _wanting to_. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and living was very difficult."

"Do you think you would've left even if you didn't know about Abby?"

Dina's voice takes Ellie by surprise, she bites her lip when she says:

"Yes. I wasn't feeling well, Dina. It was like I was on a tightrope constantly without knowing what was going to make me fall."

Dina slowly nods, her eyes shine with tears - but she does not look sad. In fact, it looks like she's just... Relieved.

"I didn't kill her."

This time Dina gasps. Her hand falls from the door, her face frowning with all strength, and Ellie's gaze goes to the floor.

Dina's voice falts. "Wh- why?"

"I had the chance. But- but then I had a flash of him and I just- I let her go." She says. "I spent all that time focusing only on the bad things, all the anger that I had brooded into revenge, and I didn't focus on what he really taught me."

Ellie looks at her. "I want to be Joel in the way he loved and the way he cared, not in the way he hated."

Now is Dina that shakes. She looks overwhelmed.

Taking Ellie by surprise again, Dina takes a few steps forward and extends her hand, now resting it on Ellie's face. It's warm and the action makes Ellie feel like she's melting - her body seems to fall and raises in a fraction of a second.

It is the first time that Dina touches her since Ellie returned.

It is the first time that Dina touches her in _years_.

She wipes the tears from running down Ellie's face, her thumbs doing the job while the others rest behind the taller woman's ears. The look on her face is intense but warm. Ellie controls herself to stop crying - something she hadn't even realized she was doing before - but it's all too much.

Soon Dina pulls Ellie's face forward, their foreheads now touching. Ellie's hands go to the woman's waist, and she allows herself to pull even closer to their bodies.

The world stops.

There are no insects that dare to move, no crickets that dare to sing. There is no wind, no stream to follow.

Only this. All the love and hope that expands from within the two women involving the whole world.

The world stops and Ellie feel like she can be loved again.

"Mama?"

Behind them, JJ is standing with a confused expression. His image makes Ellie take two steps back, visibly shaken. She hasn't been close to him like that in a long time, now she can see the freckles that occupy the boy's face in the same way that occupy Dina's, but his face more similar to Jesse's.

When their eyes meet, the boy's face turns red and he runs to behind Dina's leg.

The laugh that escapes the woman is loud and light, and that makes Ellie smile. Dina now wipes the tears from her own face and rests her hand on her son's head.

"Baby, don't be shy." She says it lovingly. That makes his gaze meet the other woman's. "Say hi to Ellie."

Ellie feels like her chest is going to explode.

JJ takes a step forward. He now hides only part of his face behind Dina's hand, but he speaks clumsily and stammering, clearly showing his young age. "Hi Ellie, I'm Joel Jesse. Or JJ."

Ellie tries very hard not to cry. Very much. But she chokes over the boy's voice and the way he said each word. She tries not to cry but the whole situation is overwhelming.

"H-hi JJ. I'm Ellie, wassup?"

"Hi." He repeats. Magically, as if all he needed was an introduction, his face lights up and he points behind him. "Wanna play?"

Ellie locks eyes with Dina. She looks just as emotional. Smiling lovingly, she signals Ellie to go.

JJ holds out his hand for Ellie to take and guides her into the room. Her steps are clumsy but lively, and soon Ellie is being directed to sit on the floor. He starts babbling words and showing the toys as if Ellie is already someone he knows, and she quickly wipes away some tears that insist on dripping.

Looking up once, Ellie can see Dina smiling at the situation. The two face each other and Dina takes a deep breath, turning her body just to close the door with the three of them inside and then reaching to sit down with them.

And Ellie _stays._

and stays.

and stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. I hope this story could bring comfort to you. May we all find peace and love in our lives.
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of it or share with anyone:)
> 
> Thank you guys!! See you around.
> 
> \- adora.


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